Bwah...?

Oh joy.  Dad went in to the doctor and then t'hospital willingly, and I come home from the cross-fandom geek-gathering with the news of kidney failure.  Makes sense, and I hope they can either reverse it or deal with this shit one way or another, but-

seriously-

-a day or so ago I was going on one of my little rambles of thought that kind of happen at me rather than directed by me and thought one of these days he's going to have kidney failure and of course I'll step in and I swear to god if I have to give one to him there will be leverage to get him to take better care of himself and fuck me but I hate when my little fore-visions start coming true because it's equal parts freaky and it's-never-good-news.

Ravening shit, I want my daddy back, whole, happy, and able to participate in his own gorramn life to his satisfaction as well as mine and my mother's.  Seriously.  It gets to the little desperate chokepoints where you start to think 'anything but this' but what you really want is the opposite of 'anything' because 'anything' is a lowest-common-denominator of relief.

I... have been half-way thinking my dad might die sometime in the next few years, but always with the very firm belief that that will not happen.  It might be miserable, stunted and harsh in between the good times, but my dad takes a hard act to kill.  I would really rather not be surprised in the next few days or weeks or months.  In the meanwhile, I am not yet proceeding as if it's a distinct possibility.

I'll have that breakdown when I need to and not a moment before.  Thank you very much.