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[personal profile] weirdlet

Tonight is a Les Mis sort of night.  Too many surprise funerals every December.If you are living with a MRSA infection, and you've been cold for days- go to a goddamn hospital.  Or you'll leave behind a spouse and kid, a bunch of friends, and a community just fucking shell-shocked.  Fuck you, J, you didn't have to go that way and you minimized like you always did and now Amy is just cracked all to pieces and who even knows about Katy and- goddamnit.

Date: 2015-01-03 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss! **hugs**

Date: 2015-01-03 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. Just- damn, every winter it seems like someone else, and I've already got a collection racked up from Decembers long ago. And it was such a stupid way for him to go, after having survived to that point. (bad infection, open-heart surgery, turned out at the last minute to be less dire due to minor heart defect, more easily corrected that way for some reason- he was like a year and a half out from it, on his way to recovering. Just- stupid, stupid way to go.)

Date: 2015-01-03 05:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That's so terrible, I have no words. So so sorry. :(

Date: 2015-01-03 05:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. On the one hand I don't like to reach the end of my stoicism in front of people, and on the other hand if I'm not honest about what's happening then I end up shouldering things alone. Thank you.

Date: 2015-01-03 06:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yes, I realized you needed someone to talk to, that is why I'm here. I just wish I was one of those good with words. But I can listen if you still need to vent, and try to be of some comfort.

Oh, and you don't need to apology, there's no reason to feel embarrassed for showing to be just human. :)
Edited Date: 2015-01-03 06:09 am (UTC)

Date: 2015-01-03 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm okay. I just- really feel that that was a stupid way to go, and at the same time, I can't blame someone for being sick and making a mistake with their healthcare. I'd just given him a set of three swords, you know? He was working on getting back into fighting trim (we larp- costumes, foam weapons, weekends in the woods playing at fighting), he would have been cleared for it like at the end of the year.

And he's not the first person in my immediate and extended circle to go out like this- the exact details change, but chronic conditions, poorly managed, by people who either don't recognize or don't want to recognize problems when they arise. And those left behind have to handle the fallout.

Date: 2015-01-03 01:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
......oh God.

I am so, SO sorry to hear about this.

Losing someone near to your heart will always hurt....but it tends to be especially bad if you realize that the death might have been preventable.

Thing is, especially for a lay person, it can be damn difficult to judge just in how much danger they are when they get sick.

There are people with fever and overall soreness filling emergency rooms that will be fine with lots of fluids and a few days of bedrest, no medical intervention required, but they come anyway....and then there's people who are badly sick, but stay at home, because they think it's probably nothing.

If it's the latter, it's sometimes a case of our fear paralyzing us, like a bunny in front of a snake and we freeze, become passive, because we are overwhelmed, and even though rationally we know we should, we just don't have enough spoons to actually do.

Because for all that we strive, for all that we try...we are still fallibel, and sometimes our strenght will only reach so far.

It is unfair that we leave others holding the bag, and we can only hope that the net of friendship and love that we wove while still alive will be enough to catch and to hold and to comfort the ones we leave behind.

From where I sit, half a world away, I can do no more for now than send good thoughts and much love you way.

But if there's anything else you can think of that I might do for you, please let me know.


Date: 2015-01-03 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs* The good thoughts are plenty right now. Send'em to his wife and kid, because- jeez, Amy is a pugnacious gal but this sort of thing she doesn't handle well (I mean, who would, but she's really one of those with a tough front who will absolutely shatter when her family is touched).

Boyfriend's nurse friend was saying 'yeah- that can't-get-warm he was talking about for a few days on facebook, that's a sign of sepsis.' Man had had a MRSA infection and open-heart surgery, and had been recovering from it about as miraculously well as could be expected- last minute the heart surgery turned out to be less complicated than expected due to a minor defect that could be corrected with pig, not human. He also has a history of minimizing and ignoring, same as boyfriend's dad, same as my dad, and that's the part that gets me. And lord knows, I have my moments of 'I cannot deal, I will deal later'- but we all just wish either he or someone else had caught it, or yelled at him that 'can't get warm' after something like that should get checked the fuck out. Like- my aunt is due for a heart and lung transplant, and she and her husband moved to live right next to one of the major transplant centers in the US, because when you have one of those, every single ailment down to a stubbed toe is filtered through the 'you have had a transplant' team of doctors. Open-heart surgery- chronic drug-resistant infection- weird temperature changes lasting more than a day. You would think.

Sometimes you're caught waiting for the adults to make adult decisions, and they don't. And even though you're an adult too, technically- you can't do it for them.

Date: 2015-01-03 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
...I've always been fond of the american tradition of bringing food to a grieving family.

Now, I can hardly fly across with the Atlantic to bring over a casserole.....but...if you'd trust me with your address, I could have amazon mail something to you, and you could pass it on to the family?

I was thinking maybe chocolate and sweets?

Or is there anything else material that they might need at the moment?

As for people realizing only now what it was.....hindsight is twenty-twenty and yeah, "can't get warm" is a sign of sepsis and he was definitely in a high-risk group....

.....but maybe part of it might have also been due to the fact that it's also smack in the middle of winter, there are lots of people complaining about being cold....and in all the hubub of christmas and new years and everything else, sometimes people just won't notice how this is NOT one of the usual "geez, it's cold" complaints, how this is different....and your brain just doesn't make the damn connection until later.

The thing about minimizing is....the PROBLEM about minimizing is....that so very, very often it will work. Because more often than not, it IS something your body can overcome on it's own, something you can pull through, if you just grit your teeth hard enough.....until it isn't anymore.

And if you're a guy, it can be pretty much expected of you, not to complain, not to be a whiner or a wuss....and even if we're aware of just how societal pressure has shaped us.....letting go of that can be damn hard.

Date: 2015-01-03 02:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And, if you please, he worked in a basement office. Of course he was chilly. And when I say minimizing was a thing for this fellow, I mean his parents didn't connect emotionally with him at all and he was always very low-key and chill. It's so arrrgh because you can see exactly how it happened.

I think that would be wonderful, if you wanted to. Not a lot, because it is a diabetic household, but I would be happy to pass on anything you wished to give. Me, I've gotten a look at their 'needs' calender and am gonna be making my infamous tuna casserole for one of their meal dates, and as soon as we know when the memorial is, we'll make the trip out (semi-long-distance-friends, about an hour on the highway).

In other news- there is an animated short about a viking who is seeking his perfect afterlife, and unfortunately due to the heroism he displayed in front of a bunch of nuns, gets a christian burial, which completely upsets his after-death plans. And we all had our horrified laughter moment realizing that this is exactly how it's going to go for our friend, whose wife is fairly devout and whom himself would have been content with a colander and a burning ship out at sea. We will all show up appropriately turned out for the solemn ceremony of whatever denomination Amy feels is right- and then there's going to be a wake.

Date: 2015-01-03 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's usually not just one big, single event that leads up to any given catastrophe.

It's usually a continuous accumulation of tiny little mishaps and miscommunications and unfavourable circumstances.....and each and every one of them, all by itself, wouldn't be that bad or that life-threatening....but they accumulate, and suddenly, you're at a tipping point you didn't see coming and it's too late.

That said....with a diabetic household, sweets might not be the way to go?

(In times of stress, staying compliant with your dietary / medical regimen could be taxing and the idea is to make things easier for them, not harder.)

Could you find out for me what they need / what they would like?

Maybe books for the kid (distraction can be helpful in such times) and some really nice soap and body cream for mom (because self-care also is important to do when you're grieving)?

As for the ceremony....well, outside of animated shorts (and I'd really like a link to that one, because it sounds like a LOT of fun), burials are mainly for the solace of those left behind, and if Amy finds it within the rituals of her faith, then good for her, I'd say.

And good for you to have that wake.

Date: 2015-01-03 03:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Amy does fancy beadwork, if you know of any fun or unusual beads she might like those. She's legally blind but mostly that means she can't drive, we're working on getting her in contact with some of the more helpful services (Ma works at the department of human services, she knows folks- more importantly, she knows paperwork). Katie likes swords, cats and Disney Infinity- she's just now eleven or twelve, I think. Jeeze, she was five when I first met her, she's grown.

As for the video- here is the youtube link to The Saga of Bjorn. If youtube doesn't work, Vimeo might.
Edited Date: 2015-01-03 03:35 pm (UTC)

Date: 2015-01-03 03:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't have a first clue about beading...but if you can tip me off about what size of beads she usually works with, I think maybe she'd like some Svarowski beads?

As for her idea if she's read Tamora Pierce's "Lioness" books yet? Because those come with a cat AND swords. ^_^

(Also laughed myself silly at the video.) ^_^

Date: 2015-01-03 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm looking into that, I'll let you know as soon as I have more info. Thank you.

(And it is a darn good video^^)

Date: 2015-01-03 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'll wait for your all-clear then before ordering. ^_^

Date: 2015-01-03 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Okay- Amy says that she doesn't think Katie's read any Tamora Pierce, and she will take any craft stuff folks care to give her, so I would say- medium size and use your best judgement? I've seen her do things from the size of a peppercorn to she says her largest bead is an inch and a half.


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